i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
