Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
