I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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