you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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