Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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