before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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