I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize