this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
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Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
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Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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