The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
