dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
