I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
