I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
