you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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