We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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