from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
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this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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