last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
