Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
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