where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I wish I only lived at night.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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