my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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