textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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