I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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