My sheets look like a crime scene.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
