I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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