I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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