i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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