don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
