I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
