she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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