You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she told me i tasted like america
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
