let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
