Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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