he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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