you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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