I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
what day is it and did you see me today?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
