Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
