Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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