If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
