Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
