I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
