Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
