last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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