I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You are a genius and a whore.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
