I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
