hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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