The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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