Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
