If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
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I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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