I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
