My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
