Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM