Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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