new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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