i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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