Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
