I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
