I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
That was before I lit my hair on fire
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
