I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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