3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
