Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
