Buhtt sex?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
