I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
