we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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