A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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